All posts by lifelessons4daughter

The Slowness in Between

We run around being busy,

And call it a life.

But real life is the slowness

In between.

It is the morning cuddles with your daughter

As you lay in bed.

It is noticing the five different colours of the sky

During sunrise and sunset.

It is walking through the woods,

Seeing the beauty of freshly fallen snow

Linger in the trees.

Life’s best moments don’t appear when you are

Busy running races.

They are found when you stop to smell the flowers

Along the way.

2021

I was so ready to say good riddance to 2021. The worst year of my life. The year I lost my beloved Mum.

But now I realize that 2021 is also the last year of my life where I could see my Mum, hug her, hear her voice. Every year since 1975 had my Mum in it. 2022 would be the first year without. Suddenly letting go of 2021 is not so easy.

But I promise Mum that although you will not live to see my future years, I will carry you with me in any way I can – your stories, your memories will live on, even when you cannot.

Rest in peace my beautiful Angel.

Packing Up a Life

Photo Source: https://pixabay.com/photos/steamer-trunk-trunk-luggage-antique-3414018/

After my Mum died, walking into her little apartment all alone without her there was more than I could bear. I laid down on her bed and cried into her pillow. I pulled her blankets all around me, trying to breathe in any remaining scent of her. I went out and sat in her favorite chair and looked through old family albums. In a few short weeks I knew I would have to let her apartment go, my last remaining connection to her.

As hard as it was, day after day, to slowly sort through and pack up her things, in many ways, it brought me great comfort. It was my quiet time, away from the noise of everyday family life, where I had to be strong and not cry every second in front of my little girl who had just lost her Nannie.

Sorting through Mum’s things was emotional hell, but it also felt like in a strange way, she was still there, and we were spending time together reminiscing about old times. I would shut the door and be transported back in time to when she was alive, when I would drop by for visits. Some days all I could do was sit and look around and soak it all in, trying to take a snapshot in my mind so I would never forget.

And at times, it was like finding buried treasure – secret envelopes revealed poetry my Mum had written over the years. A lover of words, she also had clippings and post-it notes of inspirational and humorous thoughts literally everywhere – taped in cupboards, hidden in closets. My Mum and I are both writers, so although I wasn’t surprised at the fact I found some of her writings and clippings, some of it I had never seen before. It was like discovering a whole other side of her that I wish I could have gotten to know better while she was still living. A regret far too common I’m afraid after loved ones are gone forever, never to return.

As I was packing up my mother’s life, I was also unpacking some of it into mine. Boxes of her photos, books and other personal mementos I couldn’t bear to give away ended up on my shelves and on my walls. I started wearing her jewelry, her watch. Wrapping her favorite blanket around me as I watched her favorite movies.

People said they are just things, you can’t keep it all – and of course I couldn’t. But I was determined to keep whatever I could, and also ensured friends and family were given some of her treasured possessions as well. Because these “things” are not just “things” – they are the last remaining remnants of my mother’s life. And when I wrap myself up in the soft warmth of her favorite lime green housecoat, I can still feel her close to me again.

Losing a Sibling – A New Solo Journey Through Life

alone-2666433_1920Photo source: https://pixabay.com/photos/alone-sad-depression-loneliness-2666433/

Losing a sibling young is an abomination of the natural order of the universe. Your siblings are, in theory, the only ones who know you your entire life. They share every childhood moment. They watch your children grow up. They help you survive a parent’s demise. At least this is how it’s supposed to be – in theory. Unless you lose your one and only sibling at a young age. Then you effectively become the only one who knows you your entire life.

This is my new solo journey now. My wingman, my partner in crime, my younger brother, was taken from me at the age of 27.

My brother was born the day before my 4th birthday, so I was convinced he was my birthday present. And when he came home, I was convinced he was mine, period. “Don’t touch my baby” I’d say to anyone who dared to go near him. At night, after my parents went to sleep, I would steal him away and lay him in bed beside me.

And throughout his life, I continued to be the big sister with a vengeance. In my mind, I was his protector, his guardian angel, even when he didn’t really need one. We fought as normal siblings do, but we laughed more. We had that rare sibling relationship where we actually enjoyed spending time together. We were best friends, movie buddies, had the same sarcastic sense of humor. 

Rheumatic fever, the doctors said. Irreparable heart damage. My brother spent his 18th birthday in hospital, and was gifted with a 50/50 chance of living another 5 years prognosis. He defied them all by living another 9. 

Grieving the loss of a sibling while they are still living is one of the most heartbreaking yet valuable lessons one can possibly learn. Knowing my brother was going to die sooner than later forced me to confront the notion of mortality, showed me that you must seize every opportunity to live life to the fullest.

But mostly it taught me that the most valuable things in life are your loved ones, and you must never take them for granted – not for a single second. Because when they are gone forever, all you will have are your memories of your time together. And if you have any regrets at all about how you treated them, or how little time you spent with them, they will haunt your soul – forever. 

The memories of my final years with my brother will forever burn brightly in technicolor. The trips we took, the birthdays we spent together, the afternoon we just randomly stopped and played a game of catch in the park. Leaving the hospital on the day he died, all I recall is that the outside world looked grey, devoid of all traces of those vivid colors. Where had they all gone to? 

That first year, I barely slept, rarely left the house, walked around clutching Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking. I was a crazy woman, wading through knee-deep snow to place flowers on his grave for his birthday. What little sleep I did manage culminated in dreams about him that caused me to wake up bawling hysterically. 

But one particular dream I had was beautiful, and gave me much needed peace. In it, we were walking over a bridge together, looking out over a beautiful meadow. In the next instant, he was no longer beside me. I looked over to see him standing in the meadow, arms reaching overhead skyward. Was he trying to send me a message from heaven? Was he trying to tell me that it was okay to let him go? 

Grief completely consumes your life at first, but its almighty power over you gradually subsides. Over time, you are able to laugh again, to look through old photos with a smile instead of through a haze of tears. The color does return, but it will never be as vivid as before. 

Someday, I will be the only surviving member of my birth family. My intimate childhood recollections will remain mine alone, as the only other person who shared them with me is missing from the story. 

This is not the journey I chose, but I have to somehow make peace with it. Although my brother will no longer be accompanying me on this journey through life, I like to think there will always be a set of invisible footsteps walking beside me.

Family Ties

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Family has always been the one constant in my life, my happy place, the thing that anchors and sustains me over and above anything else. Now in middle age with my own family, I often find myself reminiscing about my childhood and family of origin. I think about the connections between past and present, wondering how the former has influenced the latter.

I remember as a child getting so homesick whenever I had to go away to summer camp. I could never bear the thought of leaving my family behind, even for just a few days. This is probably the reason why I never left the city I grew up in. Or why I have yet to spend even one night away from my daughter. The constant pull of my family, both past and present, seems to be rooted deep within my soul, and is unwavering in its devotion.

Over the years, I have seen various friends and family members move away to chase better career opportunities or life adventures. Occasionally, I have even contemplated this myself.

But then I see my daughter hugging my mum or dad, feel a glow of happiness when I take her to one of my favorite childhood haunts. I think about all the years my brother was ill, in and out of hospitals, and all of the special memories I was able to share with him in the last years of his life.

All of these special moments in my life that I hold so dear would never have been possible if I had been hundreds or thousands of miles away, chasing other life adventures.

My life adventure, it seems, can be lived out a little closer to home.

The Kindergarten Blues

I can’t believe this is really happening. How did 4 years go by so fast???

I am sitting at my daughter’s “Welcome to Kindergarten” meeting for parents, which is being held 8 months before school officially starts. They begin by showing one of those sentimental school videos, where the kids frolic on the playground, set to sappy elevator music. Normally, those types of videos would make me snicker, but this one is different. This time, all I can do is picture my baby girl as one of those frolicing children. Thank heavens I am in the back row, because it is all I can do to keep the waterworks from flowing.

A little while later, they are talking about doing lockdown drills with the children. Apparently by law, they have to do so many a year. Just in case, you know, someone marches into the school with a gun. Oh great, and up until now, by biggest worry was bullies on the playground.

Oh, how I adore this little school. It is the first school I ever taught at, and years later, I ended up living in a house where I could literally see it from my kitchen window every day. My daughter has been playing here since she was old enough to walk. Many hours have been spent here already, splashing in mud puddles, going down slides, picking apples and berries from the trees. So as I leave the meeting and head out for the short walk home, I am trying very hard to push down the feeling that this school is suddenly the enemy. That it is in some way stealing my daughter away from me.

Luckily I come to my senses – after my very short, yet seemingly endless walk – and realize that it is not actually school that is the enemy, but life itself. Going to school is only the first step in a never-ending staircase that will see her growing up, and growing away from me. At least when she’s in school, I can look out and see her from our kitchen window. Life, however, will take her on journeys much further away, where I am not always within walking distance.

My Epiphany in the Costco Parking Lot

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But every so often, I’ll have, like, a moment, when just being myself, in my life, right where I am, is, like, enough.” (“Pressure,” My So-Called Life, ABC. Dec 1, 1994.)

I had been stressed – as usual – from most things in my life for awhile. I had started a new job a few months back, and dealing with the daily trials and tribulations of having a toddler. And of course, my ever-so-constant tendency to over-think, over-worry, and over-panic didn’t help all that much. And, oh, did I mention I rarely sleep through the night? Well that hadn’t been helping things either.

In short, I was burnt out.

But then something weird happened. I was just sitting in my car, waiting for my dad to come out of Costco, as we were on our way to a family birthday party. Sipping my diet Dr. Pepper, listening to Keith Urban on the stereo, I caught myself feeling…wait for it…relaxed. But how could this be? I hadn’t recalled feeling that way in a very long time. I had been trying to find ways to de-stress, without much success. And all it took was 10 minutes, alone in my car, essentially just doing nothing at all.

But that was the point…in that moment, I wasn’t trying – I was just being. It was such a little moment, for a very brief time, but it was a huge awakening for me.

We spend so much of our time in circumstances that we can’t control, being stressed out, and feeling powerless to change anything. And sadly, in many cases, we simply can’t change the circumstances in our life, or the things that stress us out. We have kids, jobs, spouses, friends, and a life that depends on us showing up MOST of the time.

But we can make room in our lives for little moments SOME of the time when we can opt out, take a breather, chill out, and just be. If we can eke out enough of these little moments, however fleeting, maybe, just maybe, our lives would be so much more tolerable. Maybe even enjoyable. Maybe even inspiring.

 

Confronting My Second Worst Fear

Every parent’s worst fear is the death of their child. Every parent’s second worst fear is that they themselves will die, and leave their child to grow up without them.

Tonight I am confronted with a harsh reality no parent every wants to contemplate. I am watching my beautiful little girl swim in the fading sunlight, her happy little smile an image I want to hold tight in my memory. And I am thinking, what if something happened to me, and my beautiful little girl had to suddenly grow up without me?

This morning, four innocent people lost their lives in our quiet little city. Four people gunned down, two of them police officers. One of the police officers was Sara, a mother of three boys, a girl I first met as a child in school. Sara and the other victims will not get to go home to their children ever again. There will be moments missed, memories not made, and huge voids in lives that will never be filled.

There will be moments missed, memories not made, and huge voids in lives that will never be filled.

Every parent’s worst fear is the death of their child. Every parent’s second worst fear is that they themselves will die, and leave their child to grow up without them.

As my daughter swims and plays, she is thankfully completely oblivious to the dark events of today, or the unsettling thoughts lurking around in my head. And this is as is should be. No child should ever have to be burdened with the thought of losing their parents, and no child should ever have to be confronted with this reality, either. But it happens, every day, in the blink of an eye.

And no parent should ever have to be burdened with these thoughts, either. But when tragic things happen, you are suddenly forced against your will to confront the horrific realities of life. Mainly, that it is far too short, and precious moments are fleeting.

But when tragic things happen, you are suddenly forced against your will to confront the horrific realities of life. Mainly, that it is far too short, and precious moments are fleeting.

So I am going to watch my daughter swim and enjoy the look of sheer happiness on her face. I am going to try and soak in all the fleeting little moments of her life. I am going to try and make happy memories for her, so that if something ever happens to me, she can at least look back and smile when she thinks of our time together.

Because in the end, as parents, that is all we can really do.

Things I Want My Daughter to Know About Life

To my beautiful little girl,

I hope I am lucky enough to watch you grow up. I hope we get to experience all the highs and lows of life together, to soak up every experience possible.

Sometimes, though, life changes suddenly, and tomorrow is never guaranteed. Or we get so busy with day-to-day tasks that we forget to really talk and connect the way that we should.

So just in case I forget, or am not able to tell you later on, here are some things I want you to know as you navigate your way through life:

You alone are enough. You don’t need anyone or anything else to complete you.

Falling in love is one of the best – and worst – experiences in life. Don’t try to fight it or analyze it to death. You love who you love, whether it’s right or wrong. Just enjoy the journey and don’t worry about the destination.

Normal is boring. Different is colorful, vibrant, and a crazy fun ride. So be different, be unique, be weird. Let your freak flag fly. You will never, ever regret it – trust me.

“Normal is boring. Different is colorful, vibrant, and a crazy fun ride…”

Family is everything. Go and do what you need to do in life, but never lose touch with your family of origin. And never get so busy that you neglect to create a second chosen family for yourself – whether that means a husband and children, or a family of good friends.

To be successful in all areas of life, you need to be hard-working, fun, and kind. If you really pay attention, you will notice that the best people in life possess all three traits.

Money DOES buy happiness. Most people say the opposite is true, but if you are broke and in debt up to your eyeballs, you will be miserable. You don’t have to be rich to be happy, but you do need to make enough so that you can pay all your bills, put a little away, and still have room to treat yourself from time to time.

Do what you love, whether you get paid for it or not. A hobby may turn into a career, or it may not. Just find something that makes you sparkle inside, and find ways to fit it into your life as much as possible.

“Just find something that makes you sparkle inside, and find ways to fit it into your life…”

Live a life of no regrets. If you are not sure if you should do something, stop and ask yourself this question: If I don’t do this, will I regret it on my deathbed? If the answer is yes, then go for it.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to change. Change is vital and necessary in life to keep growing and moving forward. Surround yourself with people who support and encourage this, and remove people from your life who don’t.

Everyone is someone’s child. Therefore, everyone is the center of someone’s universe, and every life matters. Treat every person equally, and with dignity and respect. But also demand that others treat you the same in return.

Because you are the center of my universe, and always will be.

Feeling Good vs Feeling Good ABOUT YOURSELF

“When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. And that’s my religion.” -Abraham Lincoln

I can’t believe I’m in my forties and only am now starting to understand what feeling good about myself means. The realization slowly dawned on me lately as I’ve been trying….yet again…for the 525th time…to kick my compulsive eating habit. I feel good when I get to eat my favorite snacks, but I feel good about myself when I can summon the willpower to stay away from them. Or at least only have a small mouthful (ahemm….okay a small handful…or if it’s ice cream, half a tub instead of…okay, you get the picture).

This is so hard because I friggin’ love to eat. I don’t have to be hungry to eat…just happy/tired/bored/stressed/[insert any other emotion here]. Food has always been my kryptonite (along with very cute boys, but that’s a whole separate blog post).

I also love to exercise, but when you work full time and have a toddler, time and energy are in short supply. I have always been able to eat pretty much what I want as long as I exercise, but once I went back to work after mat leave was over, the pounds started creeping back…so I basically lost all my baby weight, then gained it back, plus 10 pounds (okay, so it was closer to 20 pounds…my bad).

So I guess that feeling good means enjoying things in the moment, even though they are not always good for me…eating/drinking too much; lounging on the couch instead of going for a walk; binge watching TV shows when I could be writing that best-selling novel (hey, I can dream, right??).

And that means that feeling good about myself means sometimes not enjoying things in the moment…skipping the extra snacks; pushing myself to exercise when I am dog tired; skipping the boob tube to do something more productive…but I feel better in the long run because I have accomplished something that makes me feel good about myself – which is something that each and every one of us wholeheartedly deserves.

So now that I have been productive and finished this blog post that makes me feel good about myself, I may just reward myself with a teeny, tiny treat…but only a couple of bites.